tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central August 6, 2015 8:24pm-8:57pm PDT
women voting -- [ laughter ] i thought it was progress but i didn't realize how sick it was making me. [ laughter ] making all of us. >> progressivism the cancer that is destroying our founding values. >> progressivism is the cancer in america and it's eating our constitution. >> jon: america, i have cancer. [ laughter ] we in this country have cancer value and document eating cancer. [ laughter ] but the cure is right around the corner. follow me, america. >> march 18, 2010, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon
stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: america i thought as perhaps teddy roosevelt did that legal protections backed by the legal authority of the united states government if necessary could enhance all of our pursuit of liberty and happiness and lights. and what i didn't know is that to even entertain that thought makes me a progressive. [ laughter ] and i -- and that's not good. [ laughter ] >> progressives think they know better than you do. they want to control every aspect of your life. [ laughter ] >> jon: i didn't know that that is what i wanted, but i guess i want to control every aspect of your life! as progressive i might say i think it's a good idea for an agency to monitor pollution. [ laughter ]
but i guess what i really mean is it's in the state's interest that we be allowed to put a chip in your head that tells you when you can masturbate. total control! [ laughter ] and in my america nobody tells people when they can masturbate. that say decision that -- [cheers and applause] that -- that is say decision that should only be made between myself, my doctor and that new calvin klein billboard outside my office lit 24 hours a day. not that one, the new one. no, the in one that has got that -- yeah. [ laughter ] shiny.
[ laughter ] by the way, if you are progressive, you are not naive or a well intentioned stupid person. as glenn said you are a metastasizing malignancy on the body of politics. perhaps our nation's colon. why are you so dangerous progressives: because you can't stop. >> the roots of progressivism lead to fascism, evolution not revolution. step by step one had a sickle and one a swas tick can a. on each banner read the words here in america of this: social justice. [ laughter ] >> jon: it's not that believing -- i'm not saying this i'm saying that believing this should be a minimum standard for
how much lead could be in our paint might lead to the government having rights to sterilize and kill jews. i'm not saying that that might be the case. i'm saying that's the case. [ laughter ] and that even though you didn't realize it, even though you didn't realize it, it's been your goal the whole time. [ laughter ] where is your proof? here is my proof. >> our founders promised that our federal government would never leave this will circle. and then we drifted and we drifted and we drifted. weed upped the circle a little bit. teddy roosevelt took us over here. now we're into russia territory. you ask anyone who looks at global politics and they'll tell through china is the knew goal.
why do you think there's so many mallet hanging around the white house. >> >> jon: you don't see it, do you? follow me, america. follow me. i'm going to show you something that is going to blow your mind. why am i the only one who is saying it? am i crazy or -- okay. [ laughter ] look at the ovals. ovals of progressive followcy. look, look, ovals getting larger and isn't it interesting that they go to china. it turns out that progressives abdicating for government regulations on toxins in water and our children's toys turns us into china, the very country that has been putting toxins in water and our children's toys. sit's so ingenious it almost -- [cheers and applause]
it's so ingenious it almost doesn't make any sense whatsoever. [ laughter ] so now you've taken us this far. you've drawn the ovals. [ laughter ] how do we get our country back? how do we stop the cancer from progressing? >> do you see? rice comes from gods. they are given to the people. look back to the founders. they left us messages. this is an original document from thomas jefferson on the 24th day in the year of our lord christ 1807 signed by thomas jefferson. >> jon: then he signed year of our lord christ. licked the envelope, put a stamp on it and gave it to one of his slaves to take for a couple weeks to get it to maryland. my point is this: it's that
simple. we know what to call a progressive. cancer. what do you call someone that follows this better path. we must label without a label. we we, we, we, we would have no idea which web sites. >> i'm not a journalist. i'm a conservative. i'm much more of a libertarian. >> jon: conservative libertarians, two great tastes that taste great together. [ laughter ] how do we get back from china, be a conservative libertarian who follows the rules of god. hmmmm, jon, hmmmm, hmmmm, what would that look like? what could that possibly look like? what could you possibly have that would look like that? oh, i don't know, jesus. [ laughter ]
with libertarian gillette and alex p. keaton. >> look at that space on the right there what if you drew ovals from here to theocracy. what if you drew a shape like this or like this or like this to theocracy. wait a minute, dumb guy might have a point! [ laughter ] can you just draw ovals from the center to condition in the same way but back towards a theocracy. well, there's one. [ laughter ] no, no, no, wait, wait, wait it's coming. oh, oh, oh,. [ laughter ] this is glenn's blackboard. we have to play by glenn's rules which will are if you subscribe to an idea, you also subscribe
to that idea's ideology and to every negative consequence that it remotely applies when it carry it to absurd extremes. if you believe in a minimum safety net to the nation's medias you believe in total government control. if you believe that this provides a tent post for a nation's foundation that could only lead to totalitarian theocracy. jon, that's crazism that can't be right because there would be all kinds of retkofrpbg hrus truths. you're absolutely (bleep) right. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] if that were true, somehow i would be able to show a bearded jesus over time turn into -- ooooh, ahhh, look beard now it's
white and he's muslim. [ laughter ] did i just blow your mind? [ laughter ] am i the only one here saying that having facial hair makes you a blood thirsty total yirn theocrat? i'm afraid jon, beepboop. i could hold a swastika or a hammer and sickle or a bloody korls and -- corpse and tell you that that is my evidence but i
don't have those pictures. [ laughter ] i've got the words themselves written in indelible chalk conservative libertarian. let's start with conservative. what is this word right here? con, a cona convict. and conserve, a convict and a slave. i don't want to be a slave prisoner but it's your ideology. libertarian somehow mitigates. let's look at that. lie, lie, lie, lie! they're lying to us. who is doing the lying? who is doing the lie something in tell me word on the board who is doing the lying? tarians. holy -- (bleep) oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god. aryans but jon if that was true
why did they spell it without the y? they took out the y because they don't want you asking that question. [ laughter ] i am coming for your books and brains. i am coming. [ laughter ] what does that leave? well, it leaves only one word: [ laughter ] bert. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] a pigeon worshiping tyrant whose draconian law allows for no
rubber duckies who spends a day in a children's workshop telling the youth what to think. don't think he is dangerous? i wonder what the letter e would say about that? it's hitler. [ laughter ] i didn't want to have to tell you any of this any more than glenn beck wants to tell you that people that think safety belts are a good idea are killing this country. >> i don't want to be right on this. as much as i wish this weren't true, every day that goes by the evidence mounts up. >> jon: yeah and as i look around at all the truly random things that i scribbled -- sorry, i promised myself that i would cry. [ laughter ]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, my guest tonight is say former governor of washington. he is now the united states secretary of commerce. please welcome to the program secretary gary locke. sir. [cheers and applause] air conditioned. how are you, my friend? thanks for coming. >> it's an honor to be on the show. i know you were hoping for a cabinet rock star like ray lahood or something. >> stephen: he was here. he tour the place up. you should have seen the green room after. it was -- who is ray lahood. the census is due. my question to you is the question most americans would ask, how do i know you won't take this information and put me in a japanese internment camp? >> are you japanese? >> jon: i haven't checked a box yet. >> actually everything in the
census form is absolutely confident shal. the justice department has ruled that the patriot act does not supersede the privacy of the census form. whatever we learn, the census takers or employees learn or see or observe is controversial, cannot be, will not be shared with local, state or federal law enforcement agencies. >> jon: isn't that something someone who is going to intern me would say? >> they didn't have those privacy protections then. >> jon: that's have been put in since world war ii. >> that's right. >>. >> jon: it's about time we took this country back from the japanese internment camps. when did this start? i assume it's something that began after we put under god in the pledge of allegiance? >> this starts under the days of george washington. the very first census. >> jon: those are our founding fathers. they wouldn't do thank thomas jefferson was the head of first
census bureau and some of the questions back in 1790 were written by madison himself. the founding fathers or the fathers of this country were behind the census. >> jon: madison was writing the questions. i assume they were very hard. where they essay questions he wrote? >> the questions we have, ten questions, are close to the same questions asked in 1790. >> jon: really? >> they had six questions then and we have ten. half of the questions that we have in this year's census are really kind of quality controlled. did you forget anybody. anybody else living here. do you sometimes live some place else. >> jon: what is the question they didn't have. >> are you the head of the household. >> jon: okay that's different. >> and how many slaves do you have? >> jon: you are saying that's not this one. >> not on this years. [ laughter ] >> jon: let me speak for myself and say phew! we're going to take a commercial
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only from t-mobile feel like a kid again with dunkin's new oreo and chips ahoy flavored coolatta and iced coffees. classic cookie flavor in every sip. america runs on dunkin'. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the program. we're here with commerce secretary gary locke. i have a census form right here. at my house, i have received. i don't believe i have received the census form but i have received mail from the commerce -- the census department, two envelopes addressed to residents. and i opened them and they said you'll be receiving mail from the commerce department. and i thought, okay. [ laughter ] why did you send me a notification that i will be receiving something and will you also call me to see if i actually did receive it?
>> we'll knock on your door, too. no, despite the publicity, the tv ads and radio commercials and newspaper and magazine advertisement, there's still ate lot of people who don't know about it and they don't know when it's arriving. past research has shown that if we send the advanced mailing we can increase the response rate the percentage of householes sending back the census form by 6% to 12%. >> jon: how does that help you? if you don't get it do you go door to door? >> if people don't mail it back by the end of april or first of may we'll hire 700,000 people around the country to go door to door. we need the information. it's part of the constitution. the problem is when we go to your door, we may not get you the first time. >> jon: the black hawk helicopter has thermal imaging. >> for the mailed back responses
we save the taxpayers $85 million. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you don't get to keep that. [ laughter ] let me ask you a question, you said if we didn't return them, you would have to hire 700,000 people. i'm not a mat ma teugs nor an economist but from what i understand we're in an economic slump. wouldn't it be perhaps an interesting fix for everybody if nobody returned the census form and then you hired us all as census takers. 0 unemployment, full census -- [ laughter ] -- and -- and if i may, gave us all automatic weapons and badges. >> this census form will determine how many members of congress every state sends to d.c. it also determines the
compensation, the district, the size of the districts the state legislature, state assembly. >> jon: so it's unimportant but do it any way. secretary of commerce gary locke. thank you. [cheers and applause] >> progressive insurance brings you daily comparisons florida and england. florida is larger than england however florida's bathing suits are smaller than england. 96% of parents say a college education is most important. while 90% of children say the most thing is candy. 50% of lawyers play golf while 100% of panda cubs play with
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boots. it builds character. >> jon: a prison foot. [ laughter ] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, an election night special: america votes for its favorite moments from "the daily show" with jon stewart. this is news your own adventure. ("the daily show" theme playing) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> good evening. i'm jessica williams and we are live on this big election night. >> we're not live. >> that's okay, it's not election night. >> but it is an election night. in honor of jon stewart's last week as host of "the daily show," viewers have been voting for their favorite segments in a variety of different categories from his best fox news takedown to the time he fired hasan minhaj. >> what? >> spoiler alert. >> and